apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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