just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize