she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
