it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
