I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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