it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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