we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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