..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
