hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
