Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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