ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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