My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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