She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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