Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
