Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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