Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
