1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
