Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
