I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
