I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
PANTIES FOUND
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
