'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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