I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
