Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
