I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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