So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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