i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
