Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
