If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
