he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
