That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
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At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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