He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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