I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
