I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
