but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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