I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Even my vagina gasped.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Randomize
