i would punch a child for taco bell
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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