Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
