Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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