I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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