i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just pee around me
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
