A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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