my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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