I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He better not be in your backpack
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
