someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just cropdusted the office
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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