You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
