my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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