3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
