So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
