My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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