my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
