I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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