shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
