I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
as a side note pls kill me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
