Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
