i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I want her autograph on my taint
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
