I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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