Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
