oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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